BIG DAY, BIGGER PRICE TAG

“Yitzchak brought her (Rivkah) into the tent of his mother Sarah. He took Rivkah, she became his wife and he loved her. Yitzchak was comforted after his mother.” (Bereishit 24:67)

After dedicating more than sixty verses discussing how Rivkah came to be betrothed to Yitzchak, the Torah is extremely frugal with its description of their actual nuptials. The verse states, rather simply, “He took Rivkah, she became his wife.” There is no mention of a grand banquet, as was the case when Yitzchak was weaned (Bereishit 21:8), “The child grew and was weaned. Avraham made a great feast on the day Yitzchak was weaned.” Rashi notes that the greatness of the feast was not necessarily its size but rather the guest list – there were noble people in attendance, such as Shem, Ever and Abimelech. The Torah does not detail what was served at the wedding feast of Yitzchak and Rivkah, as it does in the case of the meal that Avraham served the three angels. There we are told (ibid 18:8) that he brought them “butter, milk and the bullock that he prepared.” Even when two of the angels visited Lot several hours later, we are told (ibid 19:3), “He prepared a feast for them, he baked unleavened bread, and they ate.” We would have expected the Torah to make a big deal of the wedding of Yitzchak and Rivkah, the second generation of the patriarchs and matriarchs. But this is not so.

It is not only in reference to Yitzchak and Rivkah’s marriage that the Torah’s narrative is so spare. The same is true of virtually every other marriage. When Yaakov married Leah (whom he thought was Rachel), the verse (Bereishit 29:22) states, “Lavan gathered all the people of the place and made a feast.” Regarding Yehudah, we read (Bereishit 38:2), “Yehudah saw there the daughter of a Canaanite man, and his name was Shua. He took her [in marriage] and lived with her.” In reference to Yosef, we are told (Bereishit 41:45), “Pharaoh gave him Asenat, daughter of Poti Fera, priest of On, as a wife.” When we learn the origin story of Moshe, the Torah states (Shmot 2:1), “A man from the house of Levi went and took a daughter of Levi.” And regarding Moshe himself, the verse states (ibid 2:21), “Moshe decided to live with the man [Yitro]; and he gave his daughter Tzipora to Moshe.” Even when the Torah discusses the laws of marriage, there is no mention of the actual celebration (Devarim 22:13). Considering the great emphasis that contemporary Jews place upon weddings, the silence of the Torah on this subject is deafening.

That, however, is exactly the point. The Torah’s emphasis is on marriage not on weddings. A wedding, no matter how spectacular, lasts but several hours, but a marriage is for life. It is certainly a great mitzvah to rejoice with a bride and a groom on their wedding day and to assist an indigent couple with their nuptials (see Shabbat 127a), but the goal is the marriage, not the wedding. In the case of Yitzchak, the Torah goes to great lengths to illustrate the efforts that Avraham and his servant invested in order to secure the very best match for Yitzchak. The wedding was periphery, the marriage was the main focus. Unfortunately, in the last few decades the situation has turned on its head such that, in the words of the Midrash (Bamidbar Rabbah 22:9), “They have made the secondary primary and the primary secondary.” In the more than two decades I have been in the rabbinate, I have seen numerous couples get completely overwhelmed and fixated on the details of the wedding. Sometimes it is the bride, sometimes the groom and occasionally, both. They will draw up spreadsheets with details of the timing of the different parts of the ceremony and reception; the catering; the seating of the guests; the clothing to be worn by the retinue; the music playlist; the flowers; the décor; the hairstyling appointments; the photographer and videographer; the grooming items to be placed in the toilets and so on. It is now commonplace to employ a wedding planner who takes care of every detail and runs the event like a Hollywood production. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for preparation. No one likes to attend an event that is disorganised. But I feel the focus on the minutiae of the wedding is misguided and misplaced.

I can understand why young couples fixate on their weddings because I was in that position myself.  Weddings are exciting. They are the first step on the journey of married life. They are also charged with emotions, such as love, anxiety, trepidation and apprehension. Many brides and grooms are not quite thinking straight and so they fail to see the forest for the trees. I will never forget the comment of my Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Azriel Chaim Goldfein, of blessed memory, when Lee and I went to meet him shortly after our engagement. He knew both of us well and was very happy about the match. As a person, Rabbi Goldfein was very warm and kind, especially with his students, and I had been studying in the yeshiva for some seven years. After we enjoyed some tea and pastries, Lee had to be on her way and I was left alone with Rabbi Goldfein. He suddenly became uncharacteristically stern and said to me, “Matthew, the honeymoon ends the day after the wedding.” At the time I was quite shocked and taken aback but I quickly came to my senses. The Rosh Yeshiva was preparing me for the realities of life. A good marriage takes real effort. Love does not conquer all. The heady feeling of euphoria that one experiences at the time of the wedding will soon pass and then you are in the deep end, learning to swim in a completely new reality where someone else is always in “your space.” It was the best advice anyone gave me!

The Covid pandemic was both a boon and a bane for weddings. Thousands of couples had to postpone their plans for a grand banquet. They could not get their heads around a wedding with masks, social distancing and limited numbers. But some couples embraced the opportunity to have a small and simple wedding. I recall two such celebrations. Both took place at the Claremont Wynberg shul, one in the hall and the other in the big shul. There were very few guests, mostly family and very close friends. The music was appropriate and in one case I found myself acting as the rabbi and chazzan! The bride and groom were radiant, even though in one case, they both wore masks under the chuppah. The feeling in the air was electric. There was something so real and down-to-earth about these weddings. No one was trying to impress. No one was trying to outdo anyone else. After the respective ceremonies, the couples went home and enjoyed an intimate meal with their families. Both of these couples are very happily married and each has one child, so far! I was privileged to perform the bris of the son of one couple and by then, the pandemic had abated.  Besides the fact that the families of these couples saved a fortune on wedding costs, the other major advantage was that they could focus on the marriage. And that makes all the difference.

Perhaps this is why one of the seven blessings recited at the chuppah calls on God to “gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creatures in the Garden of Eden long ago. Blessed are you, Hashem, who gladdens groom and bride.” At the wedding of Adam and Eve there was no elaborate décor, no fancy catering, no wedding planner, no “keeping up with the Cohens”, just the bride and groom. That is the type of joy we desire for every couple!

Lee, Chani Merryl & Naomi join me in wishing you Shabbat Shalom. 

Rabbi Liebenberg.

Rabbi’s YouTube message for Shabbat: https://youtu.be/bRbUcd4xlCg?si=1QrURCpDiGjlUI2V