CHOOSING YOUR SOULMATE

“A licentious woman, or a profaned woman, they shall not marry and a woman divorced from her husband they shall not marry, for he [the cohen], is holy to his God.” (Vayikrah 21:7)

Cohanim are limited in their choice of marriage partners. When seeking a wife, a cohen must avoid a divorcee; a woman who has engaged in prohibited relations; a woman born from a cohen and a prohibited spouse and a convert (Even HaEzer 6:1 6:8). The Cohen Gadol has additional restrictions, including a prohibition against marrying a widow (Vayikrah 21:14). If a cohen does marry any of these women, the children of the union are not cohanim and are referred to as chalalim (singular, chalal). A female chalal, a chalala, is not permitted to a cohen. However if she marries a regular Jewish man and has a daughter, that daughter is permitted to a cohen. This is not the case with a male chalal. If he marries a regular Jewish woman, their children will be chalalim. (Even HaEzer 7:16). There are several other women that may be forbidden to a cohen and a competent rabbi should be consulted in cases of doubt. It behooves cohanim to study these halakhot carefully, so that they can guide their sons in making the correct choice.

But cohanim are not the only ones who have limitations on whom to choose for a marriage partner. There are a number of prohibited relationships, some from the Torah and some from the rabbis, which apply to all Jews. Some of these appear in last week’s double parsha, Acharei Mot-Kedoshim. They are referred to as the arayot and include blood relatives, spouses of blood relatives and the relatives of one’s spouse. There are also certain nations whose members, even if they convert, are not permitted to marry native-born Jews.  These include: The original ancient Egyptians and the Edomites, until the second generation, and male Moabites and Amonites, even after many generations (Devarim 23:8 and 23:4). These last four prohibitions no longer apply as these ancient nations are no longer extant (see Rambam, Hilchot Issurei Biah 12:25). 

There is also the prohibition of marrying a mamzer (female, mamzeret, see Devarim 23:3). A mamzer is the product of an incestuous or adulterous relationship. He or she may not marry a regular Jew and if this occurs, the children will also be mamzerim. This is a heartbreaking scenario but one that can be easily avoided. A mamzer born as a result of incest is extremely rare. What is more common is a mamzer born from adultery.  When a married Jewish woman cavorts with a Jewish man other than her husband and becomes pregnant, the child will be a mamzer. This can occur even when the married couple are no longer living together and have finalised a civil divorce. If the wife has not received a get (Jewish bill of divorce), she is still married according to Jewish Law; she may even hate her husband and not lived with him for years. Regardless of the state of their relationship, if she has a child with another Jewish man before she has received her get, that child is a mamzer. It is therefore extremely important that every Jewish couple who divorces must ensure that they arrange a get. The ramifications of not doing so are awful to behold.

Another scenario that may result in the creation of a mamzer is when a woman’s husband goes missing, leaving her as an aguna (“chained woman”). His absence may be as a result of war, kidnapping, murder or abandonment. Even if he has been missing for many years, Jewish Law does not automatically presume that he is dead. Certain forms of proof are required to allow the wife to remarry. If she remarries without proper permission and then at some later point, her first husband reappears, her children from her second husband will be mamzerim. There is a lengthy chapter about presumption of death in the Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 17). Only the greatest Torah sages of each generation have issued rulings in this area. There were questions of this nature after the Holocaust; after the disappearance of the Israeli submarine Dakar in 1968; and following the terror attacks of 9/11. In the 19^th century, there was a case of a shipwreck off the Cape coast. The SS Teuton, a British steamship, struck rocks and sunk near Quinn Point in August 1881 on a voyage from Cape Town to Port Elizabeth. 236 people died and only 36 survived. In 1885, two young women approached Rabbi Reinowitz of the London Beth Din to seek permission to remarry. Their husbands had been passengers on the Teuton. Rabbi Reinowitz issued a 42-page ruling. He began by noting the desperate state of the women who had young children and no means of support: “They came to me in tears and desperate pleas, to have compassion for them and their young ones and to allow them to remarry.” (The Rabbis’ Suitcase by Eli Friedwald, pages 148-9)

The Nobel Prize-winning author Shai Agnon penned a bittersweet short story about an aguna entitled “And the Crooked Shall Be Made Straight.” It is the tale of a dysfunctional, childless, married couple in Eastern Europe. The husband cannot make a living and he takes to the road to find his fortune. At first he writes to his wife, but after some time, he stops sending letters. After suffering a major setback in a distant town that has a large trade fair, he decides to return home. On the way home, he meets a beggar and gives him the letter of recommendation he received from his town rabbi before setting out on his travels. The husband believed that this letter would assist the man in raising funds, but the beggar later dies and his body is discovered – with the letter in his pocket. He is buried in a pauper’s grave. Someone then takes the letter to the wife’s town and testifies before the Beth Din that it was found on the dead man’s body. Considering that no one would lend a document of this nature to another person, the Beth Din rules that the husband is dead and that his wife may remarry. Some months later, the not-so-dead husband arrives back in his shtetl. The town is full of festivity and he asks someone what the merriment is about. The person explains that the widow, who never had children with her first husband, has given birth to a son from her second husband and that the bris is that day! The man is now faced with a massive dilemma. Should he make his presence known, thereby voiding his wife’s second marriage and proclaiming her son a mamzer or should he leave and maintain the fiction that he is dead? The pathetic man, who could never support his wife and, for all intents and purposes, abandoned her, decides to do the right thing. He immediately leaves town and never returns. He later dies in some village and is buried in a nameless grave. The book features the sad scene of the wife visiting the grave of the beggar, whom she believes is her first husband. Thus, by his courageous choice, the husband “makes the crooked straight”. Hence the name of the book.

Lee, Chani Merryl & Naomi join me in wishing you Shabbat Shalom! Rabbi Liebenberg.

This week’s YouTube message: https://youtu.be/KRL1jaEKmcE?si=8Q5NQPSFjd-POhZC

LAG B’OMER – 18 Iyar / Monday night 4 & Tuesday 5 May

This Tuesday is the minor festival of Lag B’Omer. The name of the festival translates as “the 33^rd day of the Omer.” According to tradition, the plague that decimated the 24 000 students of Rabbi Akiva ended on this day and therefore, the mourning restrictions during the Omer period are relaxed and one can get married, have a haircut and celebrate the day with singing and dancing.According to tradition, Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai, one of the main disciples of Rabbi Akiva and the primary author of the Zohar, the basic Kabbalistic text, passed away on Lag B’Omer which always coincides with the 18^th of Iyar. It has therefore become customary for Jews (especially Chassidim and Sephardim) to make a pilgrimage on Lag B’Omer to the grave of Rabbi Shimon in Meron, near Sefad, where he ran a Yeshiva. Three-year-old boys are given their first haircut and bonfires are made symbolising the great light of Torah that Rabbi Shimon brought into the world.