WHAT IS WRONG WITH JEWISH WOMEN?

“The Lord God said: It is not good that the man shall be alone, I will make for him a helper alongside him…The Lord built the side that He took from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. The man said: This time [she is] a bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh. This shall be called woman because this was taken from man. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and he shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Bereishit 2:18, 22-24)

The choice of who one will marry is arguably one of the most important – if not the most important –decision that a person will make in his or her lifetime. It is not a small matter to select the person with whom you will be sharing your personal space for many years. Alas, for many people, including a not insubstantial number of 21^st century Jews, this crucial decision is left almost entirely up to chance. Very little effort is actually put into searching for the appropriate spouse. There is a widespread and extremely naïve belief that the right person will arrive at the right time. This usually results in lonely people, well into their thirties and forties who are still waiting for “Mr. or Mrs. Right”. Moreover, the choice of a spouse is often based on trivial reasons such as physical beauty; pedigree; wealth and even political affiliation. One would do well to remember the insightful teaching of our Sages (Avot 5:16), “All love that depends on something, when the thing ceases, the love ceases; and all love that does not depend on anything, will never cease.”

I have noticed in the last few years an alarming trend in the Cape Town Jewish community. Granted, it is anecdotal, but my experience indicates that it is on the rise. Jewish men are abandoning and rejecting Jewish women in favour of non-Jewish partners or spouses. At times, this is an unconscious or unplanned decision but in some instances, it is calculated. What in Heaven’s Name is wrong with Jewish women?  Nothing at all, in my humble opinion! I am married to a Jewish woman and she is a true eshet chayil, a woman of valour. She is dedicated to her husband, children and extended family. She is the bedrock of our home and the mainstay of our faith. She nurtures our bodies and our souls. I could not imagine my life without her and I am incredibly indebted to her.

However, some Jewish men do not agree. In Proverbs (9:17), King Solomon states, “Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten furtively is tasty.” People crave things that are exotic, different and a little bit illegal. Who wants a “plain” Jewish girl when one can have a bombshell non-Jewish lady? Many years ago, a young man came to see me to discuss his current relationship. He was seriously dating a non-Jewish woman and his conscience was pricking him a bit, but not too much. He went to great lengths to justify what he was doing. “Rabbi”, he said, “Jewish girls are so demanding. They expect you to be at home by 6 o’clock to help with the children and have supper with the family. But my non-Jewish mates tell me that they go to a bar every day after work and their wives don’t mind if they come back home by 8 o’clock because they appreciate the fact that their husbands need to let off some steam.” Other Jewish men who are in relationships with non-Jewish women have told me they tried to find a Jewish girlfriend but that they are “too picky”, or “high maintenance”, or there are no real options available because “we all know each other from Herzlia.” (I am not sure why one cannot date someone they knew in school.) Then there are those who met their non-Jewish girlfriends/ partners/ wives by chance – at work, on an overseas trip or at some social event. “I wanted to marry a Jewish woman, rabbi, but, what could I do? We fell in love and I simply could not walk away.” Some men will insist that their fiancés convert but just as many, if not more, do not. And conversion is a path fraught with many challenges and difficulties.

When a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman (with no serious consideration of conversion), he is making a powerful statement: he is taking a step out of the Jewish community. Rambam said it best (Hilchot Issurei Biah 12:7-8); “Although this transgression is not punishable by execution by the court, it should not be regarded lightly, for it leads to a detriment that has no parallel among all the other forbidden sexual relations. For a child conceived from any other forbidden sexual union, is [the father’s] son with regard to all matters and is considered a member of the Jewish people, even if he is a mamzer. A son conceived by a gentile woman, by contrast, is not considered his son. [This is derived from Devarim 7:4:] “For he shall sway your son away from following Me.” She turns him away from being one of those who follow God. This matter causes one to cling to the gentile nations from whom the Holy One, blessed be He, has separated us, and to turn away from following God and to betray Him.” Effectively, the unbroken chain of Jewish tradition and ancestry that dates back millennia to Mt Sinai is shattered when a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman.

This trend has left many wonderful, caring, beautiful and kind Jewish women without Jewish husbands. I meet them often and they tell me that there are just no Jewish men available. It is a sad reality and it calls on us to act. The only real advice I can offer them is to contact a shadchan (“matchmaker”) – there are more and more who are working with secular people; to sign up with a reputable Jewish dating website or to move to a place with a bigger community.

As far as the men are concerned, I will say as follows: When I was in yeshiva, there were certain ‘givens’ that we all accepted as non-negotiable. 1. We would get married. 2. We would marry Jewish women. 3. We would marry women who shared our values, aspirations and way of life. 4. We would get married as soon as possible. 5. We would begin to build a family as soon as possible. Many men are stuck on point one. They are not even sure whether they want to get married or if it is even necessary to do so in a “modern society.”  This often leads to lengthy drawn-out relationships in which women feel they are stuck because their boyfriends just never seem ready to commit.

Marriage is where Judaism is nurtured, more than in a school a shul or even a yeshiva. When one Jew marries another Jew and they raise a Jewish family, that is the surest way to ensure the continuity of our people. It takes resolve, it takes dedication and it takes sacrifice. Marriage is not only a personal decision. It is something that has a profound effect on the community and the entire nation. Do not leave it to chance.

Lee, Chani Merryl & Naomi join me in wishing you Shabbat Shalom. Rabbi Liebenberg.

This week’s YouTube message: https://youtu.be/iJZaXUqYq8c?si=iRKp6RO8ycZtpCxy

*Sunday 11 and Monday 12 October – Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan

The month of Cheshvan is associated with the beginning of the rainy season in the Land of Israel. The month is also referred to as Marcheshvan, where the word ‘mar’ means a drop of water. The Great Deluge in the times of Noah began in Cheshvan. Others explain that the word ‘mar’ means ‘bitter’ and that Cheshvan is a bitter month because it contains no festivals. The Molad (appearance of the new moon) for Cheshvan is on Sunday 11 October at 09h43 and 2 chalakim (a chelek, literally a “portion”, is a Talmudic measure of time equal to one-eighteenth of a minute, or 3 and 1/3 seconds).