COMFORT ME!

I have always had the sense that the Nation of Israel emits a communal sigh of relief as it exits the gloomy atmosphere of the Three Weeks of Mourning and its dreaded climax, the fast of the Ninth of Av. This feeling of relief is conveyed in a number of ways. Firstly, all of the restrictions that applied during the Three Weeks are set aside on noon of the day following the fast. Secondly, whereas during the Three Weeks we chanted three haphtaroth of rebuke and ill tidings, we now begin to recite seven haphtaroth of comfort and consolation. Finally, just six days after the fast, we celebrate the semi-festival of Tu B’Av, the fifteenth of Av.  Although this ancient festival is not widely known outside very observant communities, the Talmud (Ta’anit 26b) refers to it as one of the two happiest days on the calendar. See below for the events that took place on this day.

The Shabbat following the fast is referred to as Shabbat Nachamu, the Shabbat of Comfort, a reference to the opening words of the haphtarah wherein God calls upon Isaiah (chapter 40) and his colleagues to “Comfort, comfort My people.” Rashi explains that from this point in the Book of Isaiah, the prophecies are ones of comfort and support, whereas most of the preceding prophecies were full of retribution, rebuke and foreboding.  The repeated use of the word ‘comfort’ suggests that it requires great strength to placate a nation that has suffered so much travail in their land and in the countries of their dispersion. In effect, the Prophet is akin to a sensitive visitor who comes to a house of mourning to console and support the bereaved family. He knows precisely what to say – and what not to say; he knows when to speak and when to remain silent.

The subject of paying a visit to a Shiva house is a difficult one. It is only natural to feel awkward in this environment and to be at a loss for words. Occasionally, we may say something totally mundane or even insensitive in our attempt to offer comfort. Sometimes, it is the mourner himself who does not know how to act appropriately, believing that he must entertain his ‘guests’ with refreshments. Our Sages, with their extreme sensitivity, laid down some basic rules for someone who must visit a mourner. Perhaps the most important principle of offering comfort and consolation is contained within the verse from Psalms (91:15): “He will call upon Me and I will answer him, I am with him in distress…” This psalm, one of eleven composed by Moshe, is recited as the deceased is accompanied to his final resting place. Moshe assures us that when we are distressed and in pain, God is with us and shares in our pain. This concept was revealed firsthand to Moshe at the outset of his initial encounter with God (Shmot 3:2): “An angel of Hashem appeared to him in a blaze of fire from amid the bush. He saw and behold! The bush was burning in the fire but the bush was not consumed.” The Midrash (Shmot Rabbah 2:5) explains that God chose to appear to Moses in a thorn bush rather than a more regal tree to indicate to him that just as Israel was suffering from the servitude in Egypt, He too was ‘suffering’. The visitor to the house of mourning should know that just by being there for the bereaved, without even saying a word, he is offering comfort and consolation. The mourner needs to know that he is not abandoned or forsaken in his time of darkness. He needs to feel all about him the strength of his family, friends and community. The knowledge that someone has taken the time to pay a visit and listen to him or just to sit with him is enormously reassuring to the mourner.  

The Code of Jewish Law (Yoreh Deah 376:1) rules “the consolers may not begin the conversation in a house of mourning until the mourner begins. The mourner sits at the head (i.e. with everyone facing him) and when he nods his head, that is an indication that the consolers should leave.” Rabbi Moshe Isserles, in his notes to the Code, adds; “a mourner is not required to stand up for anyone, even a prince (a leader).” These rules of behaviour make it clear that visitors to a Shiva house are there for one purpose only – to console the bereaved.  Consequently, they need to be very sensitive to his needs and to his mood. Although sitting in silence may be uncomfortable, we must do so if the mourner chooses not to speak. If the mourner begins a conversation, we must listen carefully and plan our responses accordingly without inserting inane comments. We must also be aware that mourners are often inundated by well-meaning people and that they can soon become exhausted and overwhelmed. If we get the feeling that they need their ‘space’, we must not feel rejected but rather take it as an indication that we have served our purpose and that it would be better for the mourner if we left.  When we take our leave of the mourner, with the traditional blessing of “May the Omnipresent comfort you with the rest of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem”, we must not expect him to escort us to the door. The mourner has no obligation to see to our welfare. On the contrary, it is we who have come to assist him and therefore, even if we are people of standing in the community, we must make our own way to the exit.  However, we must be cautious not to say to the mourner “remain seated” (shev, in Hebrew), for this verb may imply that we want him to remain in a state of mourning (ibid, #2). Instead, we should assure him that we have come for his sake and that despite his kind offer, we will leave on our own accord.

Unfortunately, many people, mourners and visitors alike, believe that it is the bereaved family’s ‘duty’ to provide refreshments, and inevitably, the Shiva house becomes a social gathering with loud chatter, eating and drinking. This is hardly what the Torah demands of us. On the contrary, the friends of the bereaved are required to bring food to the mourner for his first meal (the seudat havra’ah – meal of consolation) following the funeral. (Yoreh Deah 378:1). Although it is not required, it has become customary in many communities to bring food to the mourners throughout the week of Shiva. This small act of kindness can have a profound effect and may prompt the mourner not to give up hope in humanity.

King Solomon (Kohellet 7:2) advises that “It is better to go the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all man, and the living should take it to heart.” Rashi explains that when one goes to a house of mourning, he is doing kindness to the living and to the dead. He is providing support to the bereaved and showing honour to the deceased. However, when one goes to a simcha, he is only displaying kindness to the living. Furthermore, since death is the ‘end of all man’, it behooves us to give priority to a mourner over a celebrant, for one day we too will need comfort and support, and if we came to the assistance of others, they will one day come to us in our hour of need. Please God, this Shabbat should herald in a period of comfort for the Nation of Israel, the Holy Land and all humanity.

Lee, Chani Merryl & Naomi join me in wishing you Shabbat Shalom. Rabbi Liebenberg.

Rabbi’s YouTube message: https://youtu.be/68OTUyCFP1g

TU B’AV – THE 15^TH AV (Shabbat 9 August 2025)

The Talmud (Ta’anit 26b) refers to Tu B’Av as one of the two happiest days on the calendar in ancient Israel (the other being Yom Kippur when sins are forgiven). Several reasons are given: (i) The Tribes of Israel were permitted to intermarry after an initial ban barring all women who inherited property from their fathers not to marry a man from another Tribe. (ii) The woodchoppers completed the lengthy task of procuring wood for the altar in the Temple. (iii) The generation that came out of Egypt ceased to die in the wilderness after 40 years of wandering. (iv) The guards set in place by the king of the Northern Province of Israel, Yeravam ben Nevat, to prevent Jews from the north making the pilgrimage to Jerusalem, were removed. (v) Those killed in the city of Betar during Bar Kochba’s failed rebellion against Hadrian were finally brought to rest after the Romans denied them burial.